Nizhny “never again” Gorod –

16 Oct

Intrepid journalists at the TIP we are and following our editors infallible  nasal cavity for a story, I was sent down that the beaten old track to a city called Novgorod, Nizhny Novgorod .

Although largely decimated, orcs still inhabit the surrounding area

“From the first peg, the first stone, the first tear, Nizhny has been a labour of love – of her womb became the spleen – to live Nizhny is to love Nizhny – like a wife, you love her, you hate her and in the end, you realise she is to blame for everything”

Livamuka Sakonov, town mechanic and abortionist

Nizhny Novgorod was founded in 803 by a travelling band of avant garde architects… Fleeing the ungodly temperatures of the North, and the barbarian attitude to gastronomy, these gentle souls sook out the rolling pastures and ten gallon hats promised by the south. Upon a hill (sopka) they did stop, for Dame Nature had them tricked. A river as a big as a mammoths birth canal extended into the distance, barring the way and bearing ill tidings. For far beyond they looked and, there their soaring hopes crashed wistfully into the fuming craters of despair. The orcs has already laid claim to those rolling pastures and donned the ten gallon hats of fortune.

And legend has it that it was there that – our now suitably desperate band of merry men –  hammered the first peg of freedom – one day to become the now world renowned Kremlin to which even my cousin has been


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